See the video for the gist. The first part of this series is here, an opening on toxic shame, its effects, and some opening notions. But in this one I boil it down to sexuality, possibly the most shaming topic of them all for many, many of us.
There missing factor not mentioned in the video: pressure and performance anxiety. This typically occurs after the chase has ended and I’m in the midst of a relationship when I incline more toward asexuality (historically). This can create a feedback loop of “I don’t want to” but “I have to make him happy” which can cause serious problems. And this little sauce on top I think is the result of one of the cards my mom liked to pull on my father during the routine domestic disturbances.
“You can’t get it up you faggot! Limp dick! Useless piece of shit, what do you even have a cock for if you can’t use it, go get fucked by someone who knows how to use one.”
This, and many an equally colorful statement, was thrown at my father quite regularly. How did I take this in? “I can’t ever let down my partner like he has,” which while in the throes of complete disinterest in sex amounts to a decision to either withhold my sexuality from the partner and essentially neglect them, or force myself to become sexual when I don’t really “want” to. In the best of circumstances, a partner will warm me up to it with all sorts of lovely, beautiful intimacy of other varieties, but this is not always an easy task. Why? At the moment of truth, I become terrified of being verbally assaulted like my father was. Yes, that would be embarrassing, but worse, it would put me in the shoes of my father, and anytime I am feel close to him in that way, the shame and the negative self-talk go into high gear. Under no circumstances am I to end up like that man! That could use a little separate discussion. Stupid daddy issues. But at any rate, nowhere good can come from this auto-flashback to my father being hammered by my mother.
This really requires an understanding partner to help me work thru, which thankfully, I seem to have! Long road though, so I worry. But within self-work, I suppose getting past this is a matter of understanding that my mother’s colorful verbal assaults were intended to cause harm and weren’t even factually true most of the time. I mean I would hear them going at it the very next day in many cases. It was bait to make him rage *bleep* her. Twisted foreplay. It is all in the partner working with me thru the lack of interest once the hypersexuality has cooled to find the true experience in between. And much of the work on my end is really to avoid hypersexual impulses, tone it down, if I’m doing it just for attention or out of some fear, then I probably shouldn’t do it. And if I really don’t want to, I shouldn’t force myself to out of obligation. These two things, with practice, and with understanding, should break this pattern I believe.
But still have to get the whole “sex is bad” out of my head, and the association with abuse via the molestation experience (feeling used or replaying abuse). Since that happened pretty early, that is rather intermingled with things as well. But the shame, the incessant shame despite years of feeling out and open about sexuality, it is amazing how much is still inside and how much it still affects me. And I imagine this experience is rather universal in many ways for those who have been exposed to hypersexuality in a parent, molestation at a young age, and (or) verbal shaming around sex and sexuality. It doesn’t matter if you are gay or straight, these patterns hold in others I have crossed paths with of both genders and every orientation. This is human stuff. And let me tell you folks, you don’t have to stand for the discrimination. Not even from yourself.
We can move past this.
~Image by Ayaka Ito saved from TrendHunter article~